Random Things, Part 2

1) I like throwing up. I find it cathartic.
2) Now that I've finally found a combo of psychotropic drugs to keep me sane I try really hard not to throw them up.
3) Though I did throw up at Thanksgiving. I tried to eat a little bit of everything and it all expanded and I ended up pulling over at a Sunoco on the turnpike to throw up.
4) I am attracted to any and every overconfident man I have ever met. Especially if they are attractive, but sometimes even if they are not (or not immediately so).
5) I think that Shane from the L-Word is the most attractive human to ever walk the planet.
6) If I was married, I'd consider taking my husband's name if it was a really great name.
7) I've recently taken to Emily Dickinson, and wrote a poem for her last week.
8) I am struggling through Robert Frost, who is sooo boring. "Something inspires the only cow of late / To make no more of a wall than an open gate."
9) A girl on my softball team went to college on a bowling scholarship.
10) I once passed out and then went blind for 20 minutes after smoking pot. (And I'm sure it was just pot--a friend had grown it and we were smoking it at his house).
11) When I can't sleep, I think about shaving my head and it calms me down. I also think about shooting heroin, which I've never actually done.
12) I am 98% certain that I once spent an evening at an undercover cop's apartment. Something felt off the whole night, but I was sure when he tried to sell me coke.
13) The town where I am from--Elkhart, Indiana--has the third worst air quality in the nation. (It's the RV capital of the world and the manufacture of the foam that goes into the seats releases "particulates" into the air).
14) I am terrified of first floor windows.
15) In high school, I was always the last one up. It would take all of my courage to peek out the curtain before locking the door. I routinely thought I saw a man standing on the front stoop but he'd disappear when I blinked my eyes.
16) The man I often thought I saw at my window was Christopher Lloyd's character in Dennis the Menace.
17) One time, when I was 18 and had spent years imagining men at my window, I looked behind the curtain on the front door and there really was a man there. I locked the door, walked up the stairs to my bedroom and went to sleep.
18) By the time my parents moved out of my childhood home, they had renovated the house to include three porches and a wall of sliding glass doors, an entire house of first floor windows. I was routinely paralyzed if left alone at night.
19) The house that I live in now hasn't a single first floor window.
20) I have recently found that if you are very poor, drug companies will give you medicine for free.
21) I am really into The Divine Salt, by Peter Blair. Poems about working on a psychiatric ward at the old St. Francis Hospital in Pittsburgh.
22) My brother had an autopsy. If you kill yourself, they treat it as a homicide until they can prove otherwise.
23) I purposely overdosed three years ago and afterward everyone was afraid of me and no one wanted to be friends with me except for my (then friend, now boyfriend) Erik.
24) I am "handier" than my boyfriend.
25) I think Erik looks like Jerome Bettis.
26) The sweetest thing Erik has ever said to me was in last night's discussion of "polyamory" (the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved). He said that he wouldn't mind if I took up with a woman (which happens sometimes), but would be worried if I took up with another man. I assumed he meant because he'd be jealous, but when I asked he said it was because men are "dicks" and he wouldn't want to see me hurt.
27) My boyfriend would be so embarrassed if he read #26. He is not a fan of my compulsion to disclose everything.
28) A counselor recently suggested to me that my constant need to disclose is perhaps due to low self-esteem and a constant desire for validation. I think she's probably right but have trouble holding my tongue.
29) I wish I wasn't so fragile, but I've been told it's part of my charm...
30) A friend is interested in having a "polyamorous" relationship with me. I'm not entirely sure what I think about it.
31) I love making these lists. This is exactly how I think. A former boyfriend called it "pinball-esque."
32) The word "lover" makes me queasy.