In my last workshop Sheryl asked me about taking care, about what I get out of taking care of others. Is there something about it that I like? This question gave me pause. I have never wanted to be a caretaker of anyone--this is an identity that I am uncomfortable with. Caretakers put the needs of others before their own. They are passive, without passion and, in my imagination, frumpy. They wear bulky sweaters and orthopedic shoes.
It's more like Nick Flynn says in Another Bullshit Night...: "For if you are not responsible for your own father, who is? Who is going to pick him up off the ground if not you?"
I don't want to take care of my family. And I'm not sure that what I do is take care. I'm not sure what it is. But I can disconnect and function through anything. Even when I overdosed I wasn't particularly upset. It was a calculated act. I just wanted someone to notice that my life was very difficult. I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be in charge anymore.
And really, in a Wizard of Oz sort of way, I always had the power to relinquish responsibility. Had I ever said that I couldn't take care of my schizophrenic fiance, my schizophrenic brother, and my depressed parents everyone would have understood. But it's hard to let go of the narcissistic belief you, and only you, have the power to save the ones you love.
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And in overdosing, I think that I was telling myself as much as anyone else that I needed a break, that the situation was unbearable.
I sometimes have to tell myself to let go, too. So many times I am able to fix, or at least help, a situation, so I just assume that I can and I should and I will. It's hard to let go of that belief.
That's a good insight, Kate. It was my therapist who pointed out that that belief is somewhat narcissistic, that you can't always fix things and are not obligated to try even though you think you have super powers with which to do so.
No matter how much we take care of others, we always need to be taken care of, even if in some tiny way. I feel like when you start to rely on yourself and only yourself to take care of everything, you lose a vulnerability that is human and that is needed in order to surpass the rough times.
yeah, lost vulnerability. really good insight, libba.
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